The First Rule of Connection

Get Over Yourself  &  See Others First:  The Power of Connection

We've all been there, excited about a recent development in our life.  So excited, in fact, that we can't wait to throw up all over everybody we meet and tell them all about how special and blessed we are. 

"That deal finally came through and we're making X number of dollars this month and aren't you so happy for me?"

 

But what if the message people are getting is:   "My life is so amazing. Don't you wish you were me?"

Humor me for a second and see if the following calls to mind a person in your life.  Have you ever been with someone that was just a great conversationalist?  A person that, when you're with them you just feel like things flow from one topic to the next effortlessly-- so much so that you feel drawn to them  like a magnet?  You can't get enough of their company and you would go the mile for them.  If they called, you'd answer.  If they asked, you'd give.

Did someone pop into your mind?  Is there someone like that for you? 

Think back to this person and ask yourself how often in conversations with this person are you talking and how often they're talking.  How many questions do you ask, versus how many do they ask?  And how thought provoking or poignant are their questions? How do their questions make you feel?  Have you ever made a decision because of what this person said or asked?  Have you ever gone to this person for advice?

Chances are, that the person you're thinking of is a great connector.  Connectors are great leaders.   They  ask great questions.  They have great relationships.  Ultimately they create influence and can leverage relationships to accomplish great tasks.  Great connectors have great power! 

There's value in studying others that make us feel good.  People that influence us.  The better we understand how others influence us, the better we can apply what we learn from them to build rapport, relationships, trust, and ultimately influence.  We are most influenced by the people we trust and respect, who connect and add value.

So lets go back to throwing up all over people. 

Put people first

We spend most of the day thinking about ourselves.  And when we think of others, we typically think of others in direct proportion to how it relates with our own self interest. 

That doesn't mean you're evil or some kind of egotistical tyrant.  I'm just saying you're human.  It's our nature to think of ourselves.  It's normal for us to literally not consider the other point of view in our interactions.   (Though some people have a nasty habit of over evaluating what others think due to poor self image-- we'll deal with that in later posts).

Many people have poor self image. ( If you're reading this and you're hurt by my comment, then you probably still have room for growth in the self image department.  )  When you talk to self conscious people about how successful you are, chances are they're intimidated.  On a subconscious level, the message people get is one of self questioning.  They measure themselves against your success and if they feel they fall short, then the connection is broken.  You're no longer creating influence with this person, nor are you adding value to them.

Even when the person you're sharing with has tremendous self image, what do you gain from boasting your successes?  Or what do you gain from talking about yourself all the time?  

There's no better way to improve your self image than to take your eyes off yourself and ask about the other person you're with.  They're more likely to benefit from your company and enjoy it as well.  They'll talk about themselves and reveal intimate details about what their loves are. What their pains are.  And in the end, you're relationship grows.  Ask great questions.  

Let them ask you first.  When you're genuinely interested in the other person and engaged in their life, they'll in turn become engaged in your life and want to learn more about you.  We're not promoting manipulation. You're not asking about them in order to get them  to ask about you.  We want you to want to get to know others more intimately by asking questions and getting to know others' loves, ambitions, goals, and desires.  

We can enrich our lives by going against our initial tendencies.  Ask questions.  Get out and over yourself and  become more interested in the other person than you are in yourself and just watch.  Beautiful relationships will begin to manifest.   You'll learn great things about others.  You're more likely to identify need in the market place.  You'll close more business and have better relationships with friends and family members. 

It all starts with being intentional about it.   

Remember,

People don't care how much you know.  Until they know how much you care.